I am back. You might have read in my previous blog (generous word for it, it was basically just an update) that I needed a break. I was having a very rough week and my anxiety was at all all-time time high. Why this was happening is neither here nor there, since it was all resolved. Thankfully. But I didn’t lose any weight during the worst anxiety I’ve had in almost a year! That is a huge deal. Anxiety causes me to lose my appetite normally, but not this time. I noticed I was eating normally, not gagging on my food, not nauseated by the thought of eating, etc. I also noticed some other things about myself during this hard week. Self-reflection was forced upon me and I came out of it all finding more out about myself than I have in a long time.
First epiphany; I’m too nice sometimes (all the time). I have a hard time being real and honest. I sugar-coat things for others and I end up hurting myself as a result. The thought of someone being upset with me or disliking me sometimes tears me apart and it can cause me to put their feelings before my own in order to avoid that. This is necessary at times, but I need to start putting my own mental health first. I drive myself nuts worrying about everyone else. I never take care of myself, especially when I need it the most. They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, and they are correct. The way you take care of yourself (or not) catches up to you eventually. Being up front about things might be really hard in certain situations or with certain people, but its worth it if it means you are doing what’s best for your own wellbeing. Watering things down doesn’t benefit anyone. The other party isn’t getting the entire story which means they can’t take the necessary steps to mitigate the problem. And this also means that you’ve just told them that what they are doing is okay. Or you can avoid this whole mess by just being 100% real. The truth really can set you free. I wish I could be more selfish but it’s just not in me. I wish it was easy to say, “Screw everyone else,” and do what I need to do or say what I need to say. But I am glad I recognize it because now I can actively try to change it. I am going to stop setting myself on fire to keep others warm.
I’ve been getting a lot of advice as of late. Advice I wasn’t seeking. As big as how to handle family drama to as insignificant as what to do with my hair. So. The second thing I’ve noticed about myself; the older I get, the less tolerant I am about receiving advice I didn’t ask for. I’ll be honest, I rarely ask anyone for advice. It’s not because I’m too proud for it or anything like that. It’s because (and I say this with as much modesty as possible) I usually know how to handle things already, or I at least know how I want to handle it. I vent a lot to those I am close to. It’s how I cope. It’s often mistaken as asking for advice, though. But that isn’t what it is. Sometimes I just need to bitch about something to someone. Someone who will listen and someone who will agree with me. Someone who will let me be mad or upset or irritated for the vent session. I understand why my listener tries to give me counsel in those moments. Venting can easily be misconstrued as asking for help. But what I do get sick of right away is when people go out of their way to tell me what they think I am doing or should be doing. “I say this because I care.” Sometimes I want to say, “Okay, well, care quietly.” LOL. It’s even worse when it’s out of the blue from someone I wasn’t even talking to about my issues. I am aware that they mostly mean well, but it’s not their place. I think this is a sensitive aspect of communication and if it is not requested or welcomed, don’t advice others. I’ve also been told I am too defensive about this. This all might stem from my problem with being perceived as if I can’t hold my own. And that is how I feel when anyone expresses concern for me at all. It makes me wonder what I’ve been doing wrong up until that point. It’s very much an anxiety trigger for me. Perfection was drilled into my brain from the start and that’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake. At least not completely. It’s one of the things I am working on.
The last revelation I have had; I am very much done letting negativity get to my daily life. The week I just had really tested me. It tested my temper, my urge to hold grudges, my stubbornness, my spitefulness, and more. And for the most part, I didn’t give in to any of that. This week tested me for sure, but it also gave me opportunities. It gave me the opportunity to forgive, to be honest, to let go, to admit my wrongs. I took those opportunities. You know what I got in return? Happiness. There has been so much over the course of my whole life that’s hurt me. There are a million things I could hold against others or use to fuel hatred and anger. For the longest time, I held onto resentment. It. Is. Exhausting. Anxiety, worry, sadness, losing sleep, losing weight, missing out on feeling happy. Holding onto negativity wasn’t teaching anyone a lesson. It wasn’t giving anyone a taste of their own medicine. It was hurting me more than anyone else. I realized this when I asked myself, “Why would I actively and consciously choose to push someone away when I can let it go and choose to be happy instead?” I’ve actually always forgiven too easily, but I realize I don’t mind that about myself. That being said, there are people I haven’t forgiven for certain things, but I have let those things go. Forgiving and letting go are different to me. I might not forgive you, but I’m not mad or using whatever happened against you, either. This comes down to your level of maturity and sensibility. How you react in general is a choice, and you can choose to be happy. It honestly took me making a mistake to see it this way. The potential of someone else shutting me out on purpose for something I didn’t do to intentionally cause damage made me see that anger and grudges aren’t the answer to anything. I always thought people’s actions cause me to feel the way I do, but that isn’t true. That is an excuse. You are responsible for how you react and how you feel. It is possible to have a falling out or part ways with someone and avoid resentment, negativity, and the rest of the bad stuff. You just have to decide if anything is truly worth compromising your own happiness for. In my opinion, nothing is.
Okay, I’m going to continue to be honest here. I was really messed up over not writing for over a week. It made me feel like I was leaving all of you hanging or as if I would lose my following by not staying current and relevant. Thinking about it too long would make me very anxious. (This is what I meant earlier, by the way. I’m way too worried about everyone else before myself). I also know as a rational and reasonable person that none of you are upset with me for taking a break, but anxiety is not rational or reasonable. I’m just thankful that half of my brain can acknowledge reality. So I guess I’m trying to say thanks for being patient with me and remaining in my corner.
ANYWAY. I promise I will be back with the categorized blogs of entertainment, food, and health & beauty this week. I have a lot of things to share with you so be ready for a bunch of new things!